Writings from the work week (but not about work)...
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| Flashback photo from around the dates of these writings. |
Tue., 29 March 2022
Little by little I am growing more me. More open. More settled. More accepting of change and difference. This isn't a linear change. Sometimes back, forward, in little or big circles, or maybe even in polka dots. (I do like polka dots.) That is all allowed and encouraged, even necessary, here. Growth as a human doesn't look like a beautifully "infographic-ed" path upward. It isn't a productivity chart. The beauty is in the mess—which is often hard to accept for someone like me who both believes that fiercely and is also saddled with the restricting impulses to "get it right," "do it perfectly," "control it." I have been learning and relearning (for years) that I can't. But what I can do is enough. There is nothing lacking. I have and am everything I need. The mistakes are part of the plan, even if it seems like it would be easier and safer and nicer if they weren't. And so I go on, opening myself again and again to the things that seem like they are scary, overwhelming, too much, or wrong. I am learning. I am blooming, and like my favorite quote (which made its way onto a tattoo on my arm) says, "Ships in harbor are safe, but that's not what ships are built for." And I will and can weather all these waves.
Wed., 30 March 2022
Everyone should run home through the rain at some point in their life. Or run somewhere. It is a good mood-lifter and anti-anxiety prescription. (Or at least it can be. I imagine that for some or depending on the circumstances, it could have the opposite effect.) Last night it was just what the doctor ordered. I wasn't feeling especially low, but anxiety was tickling away, trying to get a deeper grip. When I came up from the metro to more rain than when I entered it, my focus had to shift: away from anxious thoughts to the immediacy of no umbrella, book luckily inside a plastic bag with food leftovers, hooded coat that was not the least bit water-resistant, my nice pair of boots that at least wouldn't be so much time in the water (and I could wipe the drops off the leather as soon as I got home). And then, even more effective than shifting my thoughts to other things was shifting my focus out of my head and into my body (not intentionally, just the result of the decision to run the usually ten-minute walk): bag and purse clutched under one arm, pressed against my body; hot, even sweaty, inside my layers; landing flat-footed in the boots; hood not staying on well and then finally throwing it back to feel the exhilarating splash of rain directly on my face and hair, the cool water not making me cold; the street lamps and lights on buildings in the wet; the smile on my face; breathing deep.
Thu., 31 March 2022
Waking up and getting into the day today with anxiety feeling heavy in my chest. It goes up and down, up and down, relaxing and then clinging, grasping, grabbing at passing thoughts or outside occurrences or something someone else says, trying to convince me that this is something to feel bad about, this is something to worry about, this is the end, this needs to be solved. But the truth is, all is well. All will be well. My challenge is to catch the thoughts before they spiral deep, deep, deep, and cut off my breath. My challenge is to accept and honor the feelings without taking on the thoughts. Some days are a breeze, others a hurricane. Sometimes the change is moment to moment. Breathe. Let it be. Breathe. Let it be. It's exhausting, and then the relief is so sweet it's hard to remember how it could have been so hard to see out of the cave. And then sometimes the fear becomes fear that I'll feel the fear. Which reminds me of Harry Potter. . .
Fri., 1 April 2022
Sunny morning. Visit to my tiny Christmas tree and various cacti on the balcony. Ready for the day. Tomorrow is the weekend. I'm ready for a break. Looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow (even if it's not much further in, just to not wake up to an alarm). We are planning to take the bikes out this morning after I teach my morning class. I'm looking forward to that. I have a bit of anxiety lingering, but not about specific things so much. More the feeling of worry that it will get stronger again today. Talking with a friend yesterday was really helpful because we have anxiety that behaves in similar ways and that is triggered by similar things. I'm really enjoying the book that a student of mine recommended to me about Berlin from The Passenger series, and I'm excited about our trip there next week! Also, letting it approach without overplanning (sort of unintentionally, it's just happening that way). Reading the book and learning more about Berlin with mental flags of things I want to visit has been my planning. Also, Happy April!
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| In Berlin the week after these writings. |
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| Also in Berlin, with Alberto's "on theme" backpack. |
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| In Prague, the second part of the trip reached via overnight train from Berlin. |
